Denial
by Elisabeth Cook
Summary: Mac's relationship with Harm gets her into more trouble than she expected...


Untitled Document

Title - Denial   
Author - Elisabeth Cook  
E-Mail address - [allegretto@gmx.net][1]   
Rating - PG   
Classification - SR [Harm/Mac]   
Spoilers - nothing in particular   
Summary - Mac's relationship with Harm gets her into more trouble than she expected...  
First Posted - August 1999  


Disclaimer - Don't own 'em. Never will. I'm just playing in someone else's sandbox...   


Author's Notes - After reading way too many 'Mac-gets-pregnant-stories' I decided to add a slightly different twist to that scenario... Don't get me wrong, I love those stories, but I just think she'll react a little differently to it. Read the story to see what I mean... 

  
  
**Denial **  


JAG Headquarters   
Falls Church, VA   
1400 Zulu 

Major Sarah MacKenzie sat on the floor, resting her head against the wall, feeling completely miserable. The floor was cold and not exactly the most comfortable thing to sit on and she was hoping that her dizzy spell would pass soon so she could get up again. It didn't seem like it was going to pass any time soon, though. 

Hearing the outer door to the bathroom open, she tried to scramble to her feet nevertheless. Her knees were still a little wobbly though and when Ensign Sims walked inside, she found her friend kneeling on the floor in a rather awkward position. 

She should've had the foresight to lock the stall, Mac realized, knowing that something like this was bound to happen sooner or later. However, it was to late now and so she mentally steeled herself for the words she knew she would have to hear now. 

"Major, are you feeling all right?" 

Mac didn't feel at all like discussing her wellbeing - or lack thereof - with anyone, but she wasn't exactly in the position to argue right now. 

"I'm fine." The look in her eyes unmistakingly told Harriet to back off, but she knelt down beside her friend anyway. "No, you're not. Ever since you returned from the Seahawk five days ago, you come in here every morning and stay for at least half an hour." 

"Twenty minutes," corrected Mac, in a futile attempt to steer away from the subject. 

"Whatever," Harriet dismissed the comment with a wave of her hand. "Have you seen a doctor about this?" 

"Do I look like I have the time to? We have a big trial coming up in two days. Besides, it's not that serious." 

"Not that serious? You certainly _look_ like you need to see a doctor..." Harriet's voice trailed off as she came to a realization. "You're not telling me that you're pregnant, are you?" 

"I'm not pre..." Mac managed to blurt out before another bout of nausea overcame her, rendering her speechless for a while. "No way!" she stated much harsher than intended once she was able to speak again. 

"But," Harriet started, taken aback by this response but not quite giving up yet. 

Mac glared at her. "Ensign, I believe you have work to do." She raised her voice when Harriet was still reluctant to leave. "For god's sake, just leave me alone!" 

* * * 

God, why did Harriet have to bring up that subject, Mac thought while splashing cold water into her face. It wasn't as if the thought hadn't crossed her mind already, in fact she had been trying to dodge it for at least two weeks now. Ever since being aboard that aircraft carrier had made her sea-sick. Especially since the sea-sickness hadn't subsided after their return to Virginia. 

The sea had been higher than usual, she had told herself. She had caught the flu while out at sea, after all it had been pretty cold out there. That was why she had been feeling sick, that was why she had been feeling so tired recently. There were plenty of possible reasons why she was feeling this way... 

Besides, she didn't really have the time to worry about this anyway, she had a trial coming up in two days, a case to work on. She definitely didn't have the time to think about the fact that she had never been sea-sick in her life before. There was no time to worry about the fact that she still wasn't able to sleep at night, although she began to feel more exhausted each day... and that was probably only because she wasn't really used to spend the night alone in her apartment any more. Ever since their first night a month ago, she had spent the nights at Harm's place - save the fortnight they had spent on the Seahawk, of course. 

She knew he had wanted her to spend the night together again once they had finally returned to Virginia. But she just couldn't. She didn't want him to find out just how miserable she was feeling in the mornings, she didn't want him to worry about her. She didn't need him hovering about her, she was quite capable of taking care of herself. Never mind that the plan had backfired when she had told him that she was just too tired and wanted to spend the night in her apartment to get some rest. He had been concerned at first, begging her to tell him what was wrong. And she had seen the hurt in his eyes when she had refused to tell him. But she just couldn't. She knew he would begin to ask more questions, questions she wasn't even ready to answer yet. 

She knew now that at that time she had crossed a line, that this had been the point of no return. By choosing not to hurt him, she had to shut him out of her innermost feelings again. She had to close up again to keep the turmoil inside her from interfering with their newly found relationship. Now she knew that exactly by doing so she had caused a rift to open between them. She had seen the hurt in his eyes when he had begged her to let him in again, but she had already crossed the line and couldn't turn back. 

It hurt her to see how the distance between them widened with each day, how he had finally refused to bug her with his questions, how their conversations had been reduced to only work-related issues. But that was what she had wanted, wasn't it? She hadn't wanted him to ask questions. She had wanted him to leave her alone so she could come to terms with her own feelings first. Never mind that she knew him so well by know that it was crystal clear to her what was going on in his mind. 

She knew that he was blaming himself for what was happening now, that it was his actions which had made her turn away from him, wondering if he had put too much pressure on her, that they had taken their relationship too far. She wanted to tell him that he was wrong, but she just couldn't. Not anymore... or was it not yet? 

But fortunately she didn't have the time to think about all this, she had way too much work to do. Ignoring her internal clock which was telling her something completely different, she quickly crossed the bullpen on the way to her office, praying that people would leave her alone this time. 

* * * 

JAG Headquarters   
Falls Church, VA   
One Week Later 

To say that Lieutenant Bud Roberts was surprised when he walked in to Mac's office would be quite an understatement. For a while, he simply stood in the door, watching her as she was trying to open one of the filing cabinets with one hand, holding a huge stack of folders in the other arm and attempting to keep yet another dangerously tilted pile from sliding onto the floor all at the same time. 

Finally he cleared his throat. "Are you looking for something, Ma'am? I mean, can I help you with something?" Not even waiting for her to answer, he stepped inside, rescued the pile of folders which had already begun to slide and pulled open the drawer so she could dump the files she was still holding inside. 

"Thanks, Bud." Mac smiled wryly while trying to catch her breath. "I'm just cleaning my office." 

"Cleaning your office... whatever you say, Ma'am," Bud remarked as he surveyed the scene in front of him. The floor was littered with countless folders and books, all piled up to form towers of various sizes and shapes. The desk - for once cleared from folders - was now covered in a mess of random sheets of paper. 

"Well, if you need help with anything, you know where to find me," he offered while making a quick retreat. He had originally intended to ask her if she needed help with any of the cases she was currently handling - her case-load seemed to be at least twice as large as everyone else's this week, but apparently she had enough free time on her hands. _Cleaning her office..._ He shook his head. She hadn't done this in three years. 

Quickly glancing over to Commander Rabb's office, who was sitting behind drawn blinds and closed doors, Bud returned to his own desk. It was probably the best to avoid running into either of the senior officers this week. Mac looked more like a bomb ready to go off each day, and Harm... well, he didn't know what exactly it was, but there was definitely something on his mind as well.   


* * * 

Watching Bud leave, Mac sat down on a stack of books, suddenly lacking the energy to continue with her task. It was pretty obvious to everyone by now that something was going on between her and Harm, the tension was almost unbearable whenever the two of them were in the same room. How had this happened? They had been so careful to conceal their relationship at first, protecting the sweet secret of their new love. Of course, they had intended to reveal it eventually. But not this soon, and certainly not like this. 

How could she have been so stupid, Mac chided herself. She had not only destroyed their relationship before it even had a chance to fully develop, she had also gotten both of them into trouble by acting this way. It was only a matter of time before someone would bring up the subject, before the Admiral got fed up with their constant arguing - which, by now, had become the sole means of communication between them - and they couldn't deny what had happened between them any more. 

But the damage had been done and there was nothing she could do besides hoping that the situation would somehow take care of itself, that it would level out eventually. She was simply too stressed out right now, she hadn't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks and her work-load was just a little too heavy. Once she was finished with her current cases, everything would go back to normal, she assured herself. Once she had the chance to relax a little the nausea would finally pass and she would feel better again. But then, why had she taken on yet another case this morning although she knew very well that she would barely be able to handle it? 

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew she would find the answer to her question, but right now she was way too busy to think about it. And she was also way too busy to pay attention to that nagging thought that she should probably check her calendar to see just how late she was exactly. She shrugged it off, not that she wrote it down anyway. Besides, she had been under so much stress lately and traveled so frequently that it was only natural for her internal clock to be a little off. Never mind that she had also done quite a lot of travelling prior to that wonderful night five weeks ago. 

She stood up and walked over to her desk, intent to finish what she had started here. Somehow her office looked even worse than it had before and she needed to at least clear her desk before she could work again. In fact, her office was a complete mess right now... just like her life. Not only had she caused her personal life to go down the drain, no, she was also running danger of screwing up her career if she kept acting this way. There was no way she could properly focus on all the cases she had volunteered to handle, especially not in her current state of mind. What had she been thinking? She had already ticked off her colleagues and her superior more than once, she definitely had to act more sensibly again right away. She was a Marine, damnit, she could handle this... so why didn't she feel like she was in control of this situation? 

* * * 

  
JAG Headquarters   
Falls Church, VA   
One Day Later 

Harm watched as his partner quickly crossed the bullpen on the way to her office and pulled the door closed behind herself. She was late - again. As a matter of fact, this was the third day in a row that she had arrived at the office at least twenty minutes late. And Mac was never late, or at least she asked him to cover for her. 

Something was troubling her, and he was going to find out what it was, he decided as he looked at the door to her office which had slammed shut a couple of seconds earlier. Mac always left the door open, especially after arriving at the office, to give her colleagues the chance to stop by, ask questions or simply chat for a while. The only time Mac closed her door was when she didn't want to be disturbed, usually because her work required her undivided attention. Or to signal everyone that she wanted to be left alone. And considering that most of the cases she was handling now were a joke, the second option seemed much more likely than the first one. 

Not that he hadn't realized that before. She had been avoiding him ever since their last assignment on that aircraft carrier, signaling him to just leave her alone. At first, he hadn't wanted to accept this sudden change of mind. The very first day, he had pretended not to notice anything at all, trying to give her the opportunity to change her mind again. But she had only continued to push him away. He had begged and pleaded her to tell him what was going on, and when she had refused to give an explanation for her sudden withdrawal, he had found one himself. 

His first thoughts had been to blame himself for her change of mind. He had spent days going over the happenings of the past couple of weeks, trying to find something in his actions which might have driven her away from him. _Had he been pushing her into their relationship?_ He had been forced to dismiss that thought after a while, it had been Mac who had been eager to speed up the development of their relationship. Not that he had minded. _Was she having second thoughts about this? Reflecting on the way her past relationships had ended?_ After a while, he had been forced to dismiss this idea as well. Mac would have told him if she had been having second thoughts. She was too straight-forward to just keep this to herself. She also knew she could talk to him about this, she was his best friend, and he knew that this feeling was mutual. It would be difficult for him to accept that they had somehow taken a wrong turn somewhere in the development of their relationship, but he would accept it. And Mac knew he would. 

Finally he had given up and refrained from asking any more questions. The reason for her actions had to lie deeper than this, and there was no way she would tell him about it until she was ready. Once he had come to this realization, he had began to worry. Not about his own mistakes, but about the well-being of his friend. Whatever was troubling her, it was so serious that she couldn't even tell him about it. He had been worried and hurt. Hurt that she had shut him out of her life again, hurt that she wouldn't even give him the opportunity to help her. He had become rightout furious and let this anger affect their work as well. Their countless arguments only proved this point. He had been furious about this too, they had sworn to never let their new relationship interfere with their work. _Some relationship..._ he mused. 

It had taken him some time to realize that it wasn't anger that was eating him from the inside; it was fear. He was so worried about his friend that he could barely focus on anything else. He had seen the dark circles underneath her eyes. He had watched her exhaustion increase with each day. He had even begun to time the minutes she spent in the bathroom. Something was wrong with her, physically wrong. And she wouldn't let him in about it. But was it because she didn't want to or because she couldn't tell him about it any more? He wasn't so sure about this anymore... 

He had seen the hurt in her eyes during their arguments, mirroring that in his own. He had turned away from her at first because that seemed like something she wanted him to do. He hadn't turned away from her because he didn't care about her anymore, in fact, it was quite the opposite. It had taken him some time to realize, but he now knew that he loved her more than ever, despite of her current behavior. And he watched the rift between them widen each day, each argument made it more difficult for them to reach out for each other. He saw the silent pleas for help in her eyes, in each and every one of her actions, but she was way to stubborn to voice them aloud. She was a jarhead, she had already gone too far to turn back now. She needed him to reach out and make the first step, she was his little jarhead... 

Smiling at the sound of this, Harm boldly stepped out of his office. She would probably burn him alive and send his six flying straight to hell when he brought up the issue again, but he would never forgive himself if he hadn't at least tried. She needed help, and if she was too stubborn to ask for it he would help her, whether she liked it or not. 

* * * 

Mac's Office   
1504 Zulu 

The noise level in the bullpen went down several notches when Harm came to stand in front of his partner's door. Great, he thought, just what they needed, the entire office eavesdropping. He tentatively knocked against the glass door. 

The reply came immediately. "I'm busy. Can't this wait?" 

Ignoring the statement, Harm shrugged and briskly stepped inside before thinking better of it. "I'm afraid it can't." 

The sight that presented itself to him made his heart twist in agony. Mac was sitting at her desk, face buried in her hands, obviously brooding over something that looked like her appointment book. When she looked up at the sound of his voice, he could tell that she had been crying. Her make-up was smeared, her eyes red and puffy and her cheeks wet. "Harm, this is not the time." Her voice was raspy and more than a little shaky. 

He felt anger well up inside himself again. "Not the time for what?" Before she could answer, he had already pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to her. For a while he simply stood and watched as she tried to compose herself and repair some of the damage done by the tears. 

"Sarah," he walked over to her and tentatively placed a hand onto her shoulder, "whatever might be bothering you, you can tell me about it." 

"No." She immediately brushed off his hand. "You don't understand." Tears threatened to overcome her again and she sniffled a couple of times to regain control of her emotions. Why did he have to pick this moment to come into her office? She needed time to think, why didn't he leave her alone? 

She glanced at her appointment book once more and pushed it away, as if to get it out of her line of sight. There was no way so much time could have passed already, there was no way she could be almost four weeks late. She must have simply forgotten the last time... she just needed to concentrate and she would remember... 

Looking up again, she felt Harm's inquisitive glance meet her eyes. There was no way she could listen to his questions now without completely loosing control of herself and turning into a sobbing wreck. She didn't want him to see her like this, she didn't want him to worry more than he already did. Why did his timing have to be this terrible? She caught her breath. "Don't you get it? Just leave me the hell alone!" 

Harm never knew what saved him from replying to this statement, but Admiral Chegwidden picked this very moment to step out of his office and find his entire staff clustered around the partially open door to Major MacKenzie's office. Some of them suddenly seemed very intent on studying some random folders, others had apparently stopped dead in their tracks when passing one of the desks. Then his bellowing voice broke the eerie silence. "Major MacKenzie, in my office. On the double!" Whatever was going on here, he had waited long enough to find out. 

* * * 

Admiral Chegwidden's Office   
1517 Zulu 

"Major MacKenzie reporting as ordered, sir." Admiral Chegwidden leaned back in his chair as he scrutinized the major's appearance. He couldn't help but notice her paleness and the redness of her eyes. He didn't quite know what he had expected, but finding out that she had been crying definitely took him by surprise. "At ease, Major." 

He watched as she shifted ever so slightly. She appeared to be exhausted and nervous. Of course, she had every right to be nervous, being called into his office, not knowing what to expect - but she usually found a way to camouflage it. Today it seemed as if she was struggling hard to keep up at least some aura of professionalism while her mind was on something completely different. 

To be honest, he didn't even know what to expect anymore. It enraged him to see how much the climate in the office had changed, but at the same time he was concerned about his officers. It took something fairly serious to make his two top lawyers act like cat and dog and avoid each other for weeks. Sure, they had been at each other's throats before, but that never lasted longer than a couple of hours. He had heard the office rumors - it was hard not to hear them, even when spending most of the day in his office - but this was more than a simple lovers' tiff. 

Looking at Mac he decided that the subtle approach was of no use here. This had to stop, one way or another, even if it meant that he had to pull rank. "Now, Major, would you care filling me in on what's happening?" he barked. 

"Sir, I..." Mac stammered, it was apparent that she hadn't even been paying attention to his words. 

She drew in a sharp breath to calm her unruly stomach. She had been feeling queasy ever since entering the admiral's office, and the nervousness didn't help either. It had taken her less than a minute to realize that she couldn't fend off the nausea much longer, but she had forced herself to think that it was different this time. She had become quite experienced in judging how much her stomach could take, but she simply had to make it through this argument. Just take a couple of deep breaths... think of something different. 

For a short time, it had actually worked, until she realized - unfortunately too late - that she hadn't been paying attention to anything. Another wave of nausea threatened to overcome her as she tried to recall the admiral's words. How could she have been so stupid? She had known all along that she wouldn't be able to stand though this and yet she had tried to make herself believe that she could, just because the situation demanded it. But it didn't work this way... 

Chegwidden couldn't believe his eyes as he watched Mac bolt out of his office after hastily mumbling an excuse. It took him a couple of seconds to realize that he had not been imagining this display of insubordination and anger began to well up inside of him. This was plain disrespect. Fuming, he stepped out into the bullpen and scanned the room for the evasive major. Everyone seemed to be avoiding his gaze, pretending not to know what was going on, and he momentarily felt at a loss of what to do. Then he caught sight of Harriet Sims trying to make her way toward the bathroom without attracting unwanted attention. He shook his head... he should've realized. 

"Ensign Sims!" Harriet snapped to attention as the admiral bellowed her name. Knowing that she had been caught, she turned around. "Sir?" 

"Tell Major MacKenzie that she has 24 hours to give me an explanation!" Suddenly feeling a little self-conscious standing in the middle of the room shouting orders at someone who wasn't even present, Chegwidden turned around and retreated to his office without even waiting for an answer. 

* * * 

"Oh Harriet, how can I tell him when I'm not even completely sure?" Mac looked up as her friend entered the room. What had she gotten herself into? In a matter of minutes, she had made a fool out of herself in front of the entire office, she had ticked off the admiral beyond imagination and she had pushed Harm away when he had offered to help her. What had she done? This was ridiculous. She should have realized a long time ago... Well, she had realized it, hadn't she? She just hadn't wanted to acknowledge it. She should've had the courage to face the facts. Instead, she had gotten herself into more trouble each day by trying to ignore them. 

She didn't even want to imagine what everyone else had to be thinking. It had to seem as if she was running away from everything. The problem was - as much as she hated to admit it - she had been trying to run away. She wasn't ready for this yet. Heck, she didn't even know if she would ever be ready for it. She had never been able to see herself as a mother. Not with everything she had gone through during her own childhood. She simply couldn't picture herself having a family. Not with the way her past relationships had ended. 

To be honest, she was scared. Scared that she wouldn't be able to handle this. If the past few weeks had been a prelude to what lay ahead of her, she knew for sure she wouldn't be able to handle it. She was scared that this would destroy the only thing she had ever succeeded at - her career. Her relationship with Harm had already gone down the drain, and judging from the admiral's reaction to the stunt she had pulled today, her career was already well on its way to do the same. 

It was one thing to tell the admiral - after all, he had ordered her to explain her actions, hadn't he? - but she couldn't even begin to imagine how to break the news to Harm. She knew him so well, but she had no idea how he would react to this. He was probably just as ready to handle being a parent as she was. He had no intention to settle down yet, his decision to return to being a naval aviator only proved this. Sure, he had returned to JAG after a while, but only because he had realized that this was his true calling. She knew how he had felt, after all she had been through this before. Still, he had no intention of giving up flying altogether, but becoming a father would make him feel obliged to do so. Having lost his father to flying, it would never be the same for him knowing that he had children of his own to take care of. 

Harriet's words ripped her out of her reverie. "You know, there is one way to find out. It's almost lunch break anyway, nobody would mind if we left a little earlier today." 

Mac squeezed her friend's hand. "Thank you." Harriet was right. There was no point in worrying about it until she knew for sure. And there was still a slight chance that it had only been a false alarm. 

"Let's go." She let Harriet help her onto her feet. She had waiting long enough and it was time to face the facts, whether she wanted to or not. Everything would be easier once she knew for sure. 

* * * 

JAG Headquarters   
Falls Church, VA   
2048 Zulu 

Mac stared at the blank legal pad on the desk in front of her. There, now she knew for sure, but did this make things easier? It certainly didn't feel as if it did. She realized that she had still been clinging onto the hope - however faint it may have been - that everything would somehow take care of itself. She should've known that it didn't work this way. It had taken her years to realize that nothing in her life just took care of itself somehow. Problems just didn't resolve themselves on their own. She had gone a long way to realize that, a long time ago before she had decided to join the Marine Corps. It had been difficult, but she had begun to act upon that realization, and that had been the moment when her life had changed. 

So why wasn't she able to do the same now? She had been grasping for the proverbial straw, hoping that her life would somehow return to normal. She had worked so hard to achieve what she had now. Her position in JAG. The friends she had made. It just didn't feel right that she should loose everything again. So she had refused to acknowledge what was happening to her. But Harriet had taken away that last straw, she had pushed her out into the water and told her to swim or drown. 

And that moment when she had been forced to face the facts, Mac had chosen to swim. Of course she had been mad at Harriet for constantly being on her back, for pushing her into something she didn't want to do, but she had been right. Harriet was her friend, and she had done the only right thing, she had stood up when Mac hadn't been able to and she had helped her see what she had refused to see. It was amazing to see how much Harriet had changed in the past few years. And so, realized Mac, had she. She wasn't the young woman anymore who had joined the Marine Corps, seeking to introduce an element of stability into her life. She had long found this stability. She had changed since her assignment to JAG three years ago. She had grown older, gained more experience. 

She was ready to handle this. It wouldn't be easy, but she could do it. She just had to stop running away from it. She had to turn around and face what lay ahead of her. Face the facts and act accordingly. As a young recruit, she had once been told that once she had figured out who her enemy was, she would be able to defeat it. Guess that applied to every situation in her life. And in this situation, she would have to defeat herself. Defeat the fear welling up inside of her and prove her own doubts wrong. 

But... how would Harm react? She knew she could handle this now, but could he? She didn't want to place another burden onto his shoulders. But which would be heavier for him to carry? Knowing that they had just changed their lives permanently, or knowing that she had refused to tell him? If she only knew... 

"Major MacKenzie!" Ripped out of her reverie, she looked up to find Admiral Morris glaring at her. God, she had done it again. As if she hadn't gotten herself into enough trouble already. And it was even worse this time. Letting her thoughts drift off in court... This time she wasn't only affecting her own life but that of her client as well. 

"Your Honor..." she quickly rose from her seat, wishing that she could at least recall what the admiral had been talking about. Too late she realized that this had been a bad idea. Her stomach, upset by this sudden movement, demanded to rid itself of its contents rather forcefully. She glanced over to Bud, her eyes pleading for a clue about what to say, but he seemed to be at a loss of what to do. Knowing that she had exactly 32 seconds to make it to the bathroom before loosing her lunch, Mac swiveled around and made a bee-line for the door. 

Hearing the courtroom door bang open, Admiral Morris glared at the young lawyer sitting in front of him. "Mr. Roberts." His face turned crimson. "I demand an explanation. Now." He began to wonder what was up with this particular bunch of JAG lawyers. Shooting at the ceiling of his courtroom. Arguing in a hearing without having taken the bar exam. He slammed down his gavel. He was going to restore order to this court. 

Bud squirmed in his seat. "Sir... uh... I mean Your Honor..." He swallowed hard. There was no way he could tell the admiral what was going on. Mac would have his six for dinner if he did. Not to mention what Harm would do if he had to find out this way. 

"Mr. Roberts, I'm waiting." The judge's frown deepened. 

"Sir, I don't... I mean I can't..." Suddenly Bud's collar felt way too tight. He leaned back in his chair and drew in a couple of ragged breaths. What was he going to do? 

"Lieutenant, I will hold both of you in contempt for court if you don't tell me immediately what is going on here." 

Fortunately - at least for Bud - Mac chose right this moment to poke her head into the courtroom. Was all of this really her doing? Hadn't she decided to stop this only a couple of minutes ago? Clearing her throat, she tentatively stepped inside, hoping that her knees wouldn't give way underneath her. "Sir... my apologies, sir. I must've food-poisoned myself." 

Bud let out a long sigh. _Food-poisoned_, he shook his head._. Good thing she's not under oath. _

Admiral Morris slammed down his gavel, barely able to contain his anger. "This court is in recess," he hissed. "This hearing will be adjourned until 1400 hours tomorrow."   


* * * 

JAG Headquarters   
Falls Church, VA   
2204 Zulu 

Somewhat relieved that Harm hadn't been in his office, Mac walked down the front steps on the way to her car. She would have to tell him eventually, but not tonight. She was tired, exhausted, and her feelings were a mess. All she wanted to do now was to go home, kick off her shoes, hit the pillow and fall asleep. Give herself some time to think about everything and find a way how to tell Harm. She couldn't recall the last time she had gone to bed early, but she really needed to today. Her body wouldn't be able to take this much longer, and there was no need to strain herself to her limits for nothing. This wasn't combat. This wasn't some dangerous assignment. This was just the mess she had gotten herself into and was afraid to face. 

Besides, whatever she did now wouldn't only affect herself anymore, it would affect her unborn child as well. What a scary thought... Everything seemed so unreal, she had never been able to see herself as a mother before, and although she knew for sure now, everything still seemed like a dream. More like a nightmare, she mused, and she felt as if she was going to wake up any time now. 

But that wasn't going to happen. This was reality, and she was going to face it. Still, the thought of being responsible for somebody else, having somebody's life depend on her made her feel uncomfortable. All of her life, she had been on her own. She hadn't treated herself well, but only because she had been alone, because nobody cared about her or what she did to herself. Nobody had cared when she had begun to drown her sorrow in alcohol. She had nobody to take care of but herself when going on dangerous missions. After a while, it had become part of her personality to push herself to her limits, to see how much she could take. 

All of this would change now. She cringed when she thought about the many meals she had skipped during the past few weeks because she had felt too sick to eat. The countless cups of coffee to keep herself awake when her body had been longing for rest. Habits she had to change now. Nobody had taken care of her when she had been a child, but that didn't mean that she was going to do the same. She was just afraid that she wouldn't be able to handle everything. Look at the mess she was in now, how could she take care of someone else when she couldn't even take care of herself? 

* * * 

She was so lost in thought that she didn't even hear the voice calling out her name at first. Then it finally filtered though her mind and she stopped and turned around to face Harm who was leaning against the small wall in front of the building. "Mac, what's so terrible that you can't even tell me about it?" 

She wanted to do nothing more than to run away, yell at him to leave her alone and hurry home. But she knew she couldn't turn away from him again. She hadn't wanted to push him away last time, and yet she had done it. This time she forced herself to stay and listen to him. She didn't want to hurt his feelings again. 

"No matter what it is, I'll be there for you. You know that, don't you?" He was worried, she could tell from the sound of his voice alone. 

This sounded just too good to be true. Of course she knew that, but she just didn't want him to give up everything for her. But then, this was his problem just as much as it was hers, he just didn't know about it yet. 

"Are you sure about that?" She needed to keep talking, find a way out of this situation. She wasn't ready to tell him yet, but how could she leave without telling him what was going on? A couple of tears began to trickle down her cheek, her emotions getting the better of her. 

Seeing her distress, Harm pulled her into a hug, not even giving her a chance to argue. What was there she couldn't tell him about? She knew he would do anything for her and yet she refused to let him in. Whatever it was, it was crushing her, and yet her damn stubbornness kept her from opening up. It hurt him to see her suffer and know that there wasn't a single thing he could do until she allowed him to help. 

All he could do now was to hold her tight and gently rock her until her sobbing finally subsided. He had never seen her cry like this. "Sarah," he wiped away some of the tears when she looked up to him, "what is it?" 

Mac sniffled a couple of times, trying to regain control over her emotions. It felt so good to have his arms around her again, having someone to lean on. She wasn't alone on this, why had she waited so long to tell him? Turning away from him had hurt him more than anything she could possibly say. 

Taking his trembling hands into hers, she looked directly into his eyes, searching for something that would give away his feelings. This was difficult, but it wasn't going to get any easier, she had learned that much. Giving herself one last push, she finally spoke up. "I'm pregnant..." 

Harm stared at his partner, best friend and lover in amazement. "That's what you were afraid to tell me?" Of course he knew why this had been so difficult for her. Now he understood. He hadn't expected this, he hadn't even thought about it, but now everything was crystal clear to him. 

He placed his finger on Mac's lips before she could even answer. "Shhh, it's all right. Of course I'll be there for you. Both of you." He smiled. His emotions were going on a rollercoaster ride right now, but he wasn't going to let her know. The least thing she needed was to have her worries confirmed. 

Mac flung herself into his arms when tears threatened to overcome her again. She felt his strong hands stroke her back and his lips move next to her ear. "You aren't alone on this, Marine. You never were and you will never be." 

A weight lifted off her shoulders as she leaned against him, and to her surprise she found herself smiling. "Even when I have to tell the admiral tomorrow?" 

Harm ruffled her hair. "He'll understand, I'm sure of that. Although he'll probably be surprised as hell." He chuckled and gently guided to her to his car. "Let's go home, you need some rest." It wasn't going to be easy, but they could do it. Together they would be on their way into a future neither of them had ever dared to dream of.   


_~ finis ~_

   [1]: mailto:allegretto@gmx.net



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